Caberet or Sound of Music???

I woke up and thought of my husband beside me who is by the way the man who I believed that I was meant  to be with for my entire life.   Could of, should of, would of...... why was I not more like some cool guitar playing Nun, why be some can can dancer in the Kit Kat Club.   Maria was pretty cool.

And I thought if I knew then what I know now,  then my life could have been more like the Van Trap family in the Sound of Music..( Ironically both the Kit Kat Club and the VanTrap family household shut down due to the huge evil force of the Hitler).

If you think about it, Maria, the guitar playing nun,  eventually marries a really cute guy with 6 great kids, by way of first running off to join a convent.  Maria had no place being there and everyone knew it.  She was just running. Like me when I went to Pensacola.     Remember that song,  "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" After that, the head lady kicks her out, and Maria just happens to run smack into her new husband's life who had 6 musically amazing kids who could all sing on key and a mansion sitting on a beautiful hillside.

Talk about a show!!!  I could have been her easily.  I mean ,  not only did she do shows for her husband with the kids, she had great fun biking all over the countryside in matching costumes, and hanging from trees.   That rocks!!   Yes the flip side to being Sally Bowles in Caberet's Kit Kat  Club was being Maria in the Van Trap family.    But no......  I am a can can dancer.  :)  I can't play the guitar anyway.  

Mostly we can all spin stories to find good and humor.   We can't go back and say, should have, would have, could have......It is most important that our our story is that it is going to somewhere.   Where is not so important.  Hopefully it is for good and belief that God has a plan is crucial for overcoming.  

Take the book , Glass Castle.    Holy cow , that girl had a crazy up-bringing but she told her story from her view.  Her view actually made since of it all even though she was raised by homeless parents in horrible conditions.   Her nutty existence and life turned out this seemingly great girl with an educated and contented life.  She could have played the I am this way because my parents raised me homeless card.   Ok, wait,  she is doing that, actually making money on her past, but we want to read about it cause it gives hope.

Life should be about getting somewhere.  Complainers/nay sayers are dead weight, a cart with a broken wheel.  Maybe that is the difference.   There is always a choice on which way you spin your life.  And your outcome will be the result of how you spin it - hopefully upward and forward.   Move on like the Starship Enterprise, bravely go where no man has gone before, in order to try to make the world a better place.  

Actually , the core of the problem of not being able to move on,  exists NOT from our identity and traits born out of our past,  but not taking the first step into learning and loving , accepting one's self in spite of it all.  Instead of doing this we make choices not based on truth.

Not knowing ourself makes it all too easy for others to speak for us and do for us.   Then we wake up and say, that is not what I want to say or do, how did it get this way.   It is no one's fault really and probably not as drastic as my Christian Gay friend, but still a new journey.

Making a huge life decision without interest of  knowing/loving one's self,  is like getting a degree without an education. Katie always says, when having doubts about her education, "Mom, you do not have a degree."  I reply, " Isn't that obvious, look at my life."   :)  "Don't do as I do."   We are all just doing the best we can.  And God makes us all a little crazy.   So be good with it, not only be good with it, work with it.

If I had met Jake  in my 20s and not my 40s - I bet we would have married, had 6 kids, all very musically inclined in matching costumes and running around the countryside singing and a maid living in a mansion.  OK truth be told - if we had met earlier then I would not have been ready to handle each other.   But it is a fun fantasy to think of the new Westfall Singing Group, using airline passes to travel the world performing.

Actually what I do want to know is why getting married or not has to be the goal.     Getting married as far as I am concerned is a bonus in your journey not a destination. Maria in the Sound of Music didn't want to get married.  Sally Bowles did but was hanging out with the wrong type for her personality.  She would sing, "Maybe this time, I'll be lucky."  Obviously Sally did not know that she should wait and go out with a Jake.

If we focus on getting married, then does it happen , is it really like a business interview or does it just happen... In the Bible it says the Truth will set you free.  It does not say getting married will.   I say this because I was married twice, and I did learn a bunch.....but freedom -not so much.....

My friend Kim says all the time, if we keep doing the same thing over and over then how do we expect our world to change.  And that is just it.    Our world is huge, with so many options.  There is no excuse to be stuck.   If your wheel is broken fix it, if it cant be fixed, change it.  Move on. 

When Jake and I met, we both just forget all together about meeting the one.   I am sure my daughter wishes I had come to this conclusion when she was younger.  But the difference was now I was not chasing a carrot I actually was content just pushing the cart. Oh my cart now living in Ft Worth in the Art District,  still contained little pieces of the Kit Kat club in it, going to tap class, and swing dancing.    I even did the occasional Cinderella gig for kids birthday parties.   I still did my thing, on a very small stage.  And it was good.

But not good enough.  My world was ready to move on.  The wind was changing.