Me And My Kit Kat Club!

I will never forget the day my brother Gary took me to see Caberet on the big screen across the street from  Gulfgate Shopping Mall in Houston.  It changed my life.   It was 1972 I was 8 years old.  We lived in SouthEast Houston and at the time  Hobby Airport was going strong and NASA headquarters was located in the area.   By the time we moved, we had burglar bars around our house, and were broken in 3 times.   Funny how things change.    My brother was my biggest fan, and I was his.   He could do everything perfect and still does.   Gary was a great dancer and could play the piano like no other.   The one advice that stuck from him was never to cut my hair.    Anyway - off to the movies we went.   


Caberet.


My first introduction with Sally Bowels and the Kit Kat Club.  (Kit Kat Club is the name of the club where Sally performs.  I do not really have a Kit Kat Club as portrayed in this blog.  I reallized from Julie's phone call she has no idea who or what Caberet is.)


I feel in love.   I loved Sally Bowles.   I connected with her.   That was me on stage.   She just loved life so much.   She wore crazy make up and costumes and she did not care that much about money just living.   She was strong and connected with herself.  When she sung, "What good is sitting, alone in your room, come hear the music play?"   Yes yes yes I said to myself.   Before this movie I mostly sung 1940s sheet music, my grandmother played on the piano over and over again.   There were tons of good songs from that era.   My favorite was Andrew Sisters,  Cole Porter  but her favorite was Deanna Durbin.  Deanna had a voice that ranged for about 4 octives and I am only good at 1and a half so she was my least favorite.  But I tried my best... There was this one song, "Can't Help Singing"  and I thought well that is ok.....if you look up the words to that song , it fit me.   There is a part that says, "Can't help crowing."   (ok I thought my costume would make it ok for me to crow)  LOL


Anyway -  Sally Bowels songs were attainable goal if I knocked down the key a bit, and for sure I could do the costumes.   Yes I could be Sally -


When I was 5, I always had a dream of being a dance teacher because I loved the costumes, the music, the dancing - the total chaos of it all.   And now - I am going to add being Sally Bowles to my all time dream in life.    I spent all my extra hours at home dancing and pretending I was putting people on stage.   I was in Heaven.  Sally Bowles was Heaven.  I know you must know about the part where she lost her baby.   I thought , wow - that was so lucky.   God took her baby cause she did not want the picket fence.  Me neither.


That was my first thought on how God really does take care of you.  I know warped right?  It did not go into detail in the movie of how the baby was lost.     anyway -- back to Sally Bowels....


After the movie I begged my brother Gary to go get me the albumn.   I had ever song memorized with a choreographed routine, yes of course there was a chair dance.   My bedroom was my own private Kit Kat club just like in the movie.  I just loved snapping my fingers and would practice tricks like backbends over a chair -i was so cool - the youngest lap dancer alive.   I had no idea.   This had nothing to do with sex.   It was just fun!!


There was also this song about Stairway to Paridise....  and I still know it to this day.  All you preachers, who delight in panning the dancing teachers, let me tell you there are a lot of features, of the steps that getting you through, the gates of Heaven,  Its madness to be always sitting around in sadness....   that is off the top of my head.......    To me dancing and dancing all night was not bad.   It was life. 


I was and still way into God and Jesus Christ, he saved me from mean people.  I prefer to focus on the rock that was moved when Jesus walked out, and not the cross.      I wanted that life.  A life where the rock was gone.  This is what Jesus said to me in the Bible.   Not to focus on how terrible the cross was, but how awesome it is to be free.  If I want to dance and sing I can.    And too trust - to know even though we go through "cross like times"  we will get to the rock part.  Just have faith!!!  I thought we should make necklaces of rocks to wear around.   Meaning freedom!!    (another blog)  


At every moment I was making whoever was around me be a part of my Kit Kat show.  Mostly my sister cousin Kathleen got dragged in.  We had huge back-up numbers and stood on a Hope Chest practicing all the time.  Ironic cause a Hope Chest is what you get to get married, but I wanted to use it as my stage, I could care less about the china it.   :)   But I sure liked tap dancing on it.


In high school,  I got the lead can can dancer role in a play.  Crazy cause I was not the most talented girl but I could smile the biggest I think and people said I had that extra thing.  I was like, ok cool let's dance.   The best dancer could do all these back walkers over and over again, and I was just proud I could jump up into a split.    I was so good at that... I ended up doing this trick for the next 10 years... which is why I can't touch my toes with my legs straight now.   My hamstrings are shot from all the jumping up and split landing.


This play was called Paint Your Wagon.   In the play was a very cute Italian guy with black thick hair and was in his early 30s with a smile that was so charming.   I forgot his name.   We would hang out during practice.  I am just a really friendly girl and when people are friendly back, I can easily be your new best friend without question.  I would go with anyone who was nice and fun.  No motives. No agendas. No questions. I am still like this to this day.  My Kit Kat Club is and always will be open to everyone!!


One practice he asked me to go to Galveston with him for dinner.  I thought wow how fun.   He called me up to arrange details and I asked him if his wife was going to go.  He of course said no, she doesn't know.  I was so shocked.  I was like well - that is not a good idea then.   And I was so upset and confused.  


This guy ruined a perfectly good friendship and would risk ruining a perfectly good marriage over a little girl like me.     And now during the play,  we could not hang out. There was this icky thing between us.  I hated this.    Plus I hated that my friendship was tempting him to be bad.  That is the conflict. Did I cause this "erection" so to speak?.   I now know - NO.    This guy was just a weak man.   I had more power then I realized and should have taking control.   But I took complete blame.     I would behave differently now.   It is what it is, can't change it.  


They say it is a sin to bring your brother down.   Back then, I thought I was bad.   The very thing God made me to love, and to be was bad.     I ran.  Running was good.   It kept me out of trouble.  Not the trouble forced on by others,  but I started punishing myself for who I was.  I needed some down time with God alone, without all the noise of family and friends who really really do love and want the best for you and me.   


I moved to Florida when I just turned 18 and, wouldn't you know it,  became a Dixie Land Can Can girl and singer. I had no idea but this is when me and God grew tight.    Isn't that funny?  Also too my trademark move was jumping up and doing splits on the bar.  I was so good at that.   I loved it!!  I would sing too but mostly being the funny girl.  The "Geratol" crowd loved it.   Buses of seniors would pour into Rosy O'Grady's.    Cuteness and being nice can get you far.  I also got to move to NY and see the world as a flight attendant with TWA.    


In time, about 4 and a half years later,  God finally told me to me to go back face myself now loaded with God things,  to trust that Him, Sally Bowles and me would be ok.  


I had no idea how much this downtime was crucial for my growth and understanding and realization that who I was , was ok and valuable.  Maybe not to the masses, or especially to my Dad, (my Daddy didn't want his daughter to be Sally Bowles like character, can't blame him),   but I was valuable enough to stay on my path, free from drugs and evil.  With God you can be successful in whatever decision you choose.    


Life comes with bullets,  it is like the light you are running to, there is this opposite force that tries to keep you from going.   I call it the dark side.  Some call it the devil - but that to me that is honoring it with a name , and when you name something it gives it power.   It has no power.   Just stupid stuff - that God and you will handle - in time.   Don't ever let the dark - become a focus or it will be you.   If you can't take negative comments or bullets then you should stay home in the safety of your home and eat bon bons or run on a treadmill.  Getting out there , on the Kit Kat Stage - comes with criticism and you can buy into it all or not.    Cause anything worth doing or growing will provoke conversation, opinions, judgments.  Unless you are Sister Teresa, I wonder if she has had any judgements made on her.   She has to.  I wonder what they were.


Ironically the most going against the grain for me was to have a daughter.  So when that happened  the opinions flew.   So much - that my Kit Kat Club mentality was being attacked.  Everyone was worried for her safety actually.   Even me if truth be told. Bringing a baby into the world is the second most important decision we can make.  And everyone should not do this.   Bringing a baby into this world is not for the weak or the lazy.   (another blog)    I would pray all the time - and hope that she would not be tainted because of me and that I would hold steadfast to God and do right, not text book by any means - but right for God and me.   Weird now - cause she is great even being raised in my Kit Kat Club. I am sure we kept God laughing all the time, rolling His eyes- cause we would have breakfast for dinner, and dinner for breakfast.   Our dance studio life, and doing plays did not allow us to have normal hours.   But that was our life.


Normal is just a knob on a dish washer anyway....


When Katie was born - I looked at her and thought....  ok - now what.   People would say - wow don't you just love her.  I would say, ummmmm  yeah,,, I think so.   I had no idea who she was.   Right then she was a sack of sugar to me, I carried and changed all the time. I would sing all the Caberet songs to her. I had tons of costumes for her.  I changed the lyrics in the songs to fit Katie , like the married song and said baby.  My props in my new Kit Kat club changed too. Instead of a cane during my songs I used a vacuum cleaner, (but I never turnd it on, cause it was too loud so the carpet was rarely vacuumed)..., and my chair I danced on was next to Katie's high chair.   Then I realized something........


Besides God, Sally Bowles and me, there was another dancer in the Kit Kat Club and her name was Katie Green.


I choreographed our life just like a show.   Katie did everything awesome.   Our entrances and exits were good.  We sang the same tune mostly.  We did community theater together.  We would come home late from doing plays, but it was a rule that if we could not dance to the music then we would have to play a different tune.   Meaning if - we can't stay out late, and get up in the morning to go to school and work, we would have  to quit.   WE did just fine.  


But soon I found out something.    God blessed her actually with that Deanna Durbin voice. (I operate on a one and half octive, not bad but not deana durbin)  Katie has Deanna Durbin's voice in life and in song.   She focused on school and made As and Bs.  Her voice was so strong - that she did not let our Kit Kat play dates bother her focus on work. Katie thrived in my Kit Kat Club.    She had no help from me. The show was going on, with or without you ... so even Katie had learned this.  I could not help her or do it for her.    We were a team. Katie even along with school had her own dance team and orderd costumes... it was great.   She had a job and was a star in the show.     


Eventually our Kit Kat Club was put on hiatus.    But that is what happens when you grow.   Things change - nothing stays the same.   We have to take time outs to grow,  get some more choreography.   Get back to God - and start a new show.   


My stage changed dramatically when Katie arrived.  I was still in the Kit Kat show, but now it was surrounded with Katie and kids.   The lyrics changed but the tune was the same.  Just like rehearsing for a number , I had to learn all there was about raising babies and kids.   I am not be the best dancer in the show, but I will do it the best I can.    And from that - God can make me a Star, even if only in my own bedroom of my Kit Kat Show - standing on a Hope Chest tap dancing with my sister cous, Kathleen.  


You know, I hang out now with tons of stars.      And God is my sun and moon.


And yes, to me,  "Life is a Caber-Ra-O-tion, come to the Caberet"


Sally Bowles, God and me and now Katie - are doing just fine!!   All starring in our own Kit Kat Stage!!




PS  I just re-read this blog and I bet the words are Banning the dancing teachers not panning....  panning does not make since - like the preachers go around and hit the dance teachers with a pan ... ha ha... that's funny ok maybe not so much.......